Denise’s Blog: My husband and family are in many of my pictures. He’s gorgeous and they are lovely.. It’s a good thing!
To color or not to color. I simply burned out. (Well maybe it wasn’t that simple) I was coloring my hair once a week, my hair grows very fast and is resistant to grey, (I’m a chia pet) my roots were showing within 5 days of a professional color job. It was debilitating.. I would go into an emotional melt down if I forgot my hat. I had to organize work and trips around the constant coloring of my hair..If not coloring with hair dye then I would use a grey cover pen to take the edge off the grey around my roots. (You know who you are>) I had been thinking about it for a while, when the realization of what I’m doing to my body began to set in.. I am a vegetarian (Jack Vegan I enjoy an occasional cocktail) I practice and teach yoga daily, I only put natural products on my skin, essential oils that I blend myself and yet I continue to put artificial color on my scalp. I just seems counter intuitive to put something on my scalp that would burn a hole into my wood cabinet.. And so it began, the nagging thought that I was doing more harm than good. I want to grow old and have my wits about me. I started dreaming about becoming a little bit slower in my thinking due to putting chemicals on my scalp, I dreamed that they were penetrating my skull and working their insidious way into my brain until it started to look the brain of a meth user.. (yes I’m a vivid dreamer) So I decided to go for it! August 2018 was the last time I did my roots the darker blonde I’ve been sporting for the past 18 years or so.. and here we are It’s February 5th and I’m still vacillating. I’m feeling washed out when I’m not “fixed” no makeup and I feel my 56 years. Tough spot to be for a yoga teacher.
I’ve had young women tell me, that I’m a strong proud woman and I can do what I want and pave the way for others.. I feel that in some ways I am doing that, and there are a few women that I know personally who are changing their hair and apparently I am the inspiration. Yea for us.
It doesn’t change the way I perceive myself when I look in the mirror, or the response from others. I’ve been noticing that older women really don’t like it. At first I thought it was such a drastic change for me that it would take time to get used to seeing me looking so different. But now I realize that it’s not about me but about how others perceive themselves. Maybe It’s like the emperors new clothes, maybe when we take off the shield of L’Oreal we become vulnerable. Maybe the world really knows that we aren’t natural blondes, that we aren’t 20 or 30 or 40 anymore. Maybe this makes all of us feel a bit naked.
This Journey is one that we all must embark on if we are fortunate enough to make it to our 50’s and 60’s. How will we spend our sunset years??? Pouring toxic colors on our scalps? Or being the natural goddess we are meant to be? I thought maybe the bar is higher or just different for a former Las Vegas Showgirl and model. Do glamour girls always have to be perfect? Even in my years of teaching yoga I feel the strain of having to look better than your average bear. I don’t care how strong and proud we are we are we still have ears, we here what people say, we have eyes we see how they look at us and we have feelings. For the most part I’ve always sort of done my own thing, I do like, and want to always be my best. But what does that mean for me now? What does that mean for any of us as we progress in life?
And this is the conversation I want to start with my sisters out there going through this process, or for those of you who see it coming. I don’t want to be that woman standing in line at the grocery store. She’s in her 50’s or 60’s but looks much older, her hair is long and in a braid or a bun. It looks like it’s never been colored it appears that no effort has been made to look her best, she doesn’t work out maybe she’s a little over weight, that softening that is unmistakable for a middle aged grandmother.. She’s probably lovely and has a wonderful family that adores her maybe she has a terrific life. But I see it differently now that I am in that same time zone.
It’s amazing to find myself in such an odd space in my life, I want to allow my grey to grow out to it’s full potential one minute and the next I want to change it back. I’ve found that most of my friends and associates think that I want to be grey. Like this is something I’ve aspired to. I’m not sure that I want to be totally grey, Ok I’m not sure what I want. And that is so strange.. for me. This week I think it’s adding low lights and brightening up the platinum blonde that I’ve become. Who knows what next week will bring… I’m on the fence of weather to color a little bit more or just hang out and let it heal for a few more months.. As of today I’m opting for the healing process.
One of the toughest parts of this process was going platinum. We took a bunch of pieces around my face and here and there and really lightened and brightened them up to blend and help ease the growth process. Even though my hairdresser used something like Oleplex I still had a lot of breakage. And oh thank God I have a lot of hair or it would really suck. But there is always the worry that it won’t grow back as quick or as well because we are older. Everything changes! The good news is that it is growing rapidly and the little broken pieces on my forehead line are like little wispy bangs now.
It’s amazing how life changing this process has been for me.. I don’t think I’m special or different than other women in this regard, but I’m a bit analytical about the process. Last week I hated my hair I saw a picture from our Pizza night at home and I wanted to cry. This week I’m embracing it again. I had Brunch with my besties and they were so loving. I’m feeling better about my silver growth..
Also we’ve had a lot going on at home and I’m not looking in the mirror so much. I’m taking care of my family and that’s where my focus is. I wish I could feel the confidence of the past few days more and more. Maybe I need more time with my girls.. Today is Valentines day 2019 my Dad would have been 95. He’s been gone one year. I’m not sad, but not happy either.
Have a blessed day,